Sponges X-Men Fanfictions: The Uncensored Director's Cut

COVERED_IN_SPONGES PRESENTS: X-MEN VS ALIENS VS PREDATOR, A FANFICTION WRITTEN BY COVERED_IN_SPONGES

Starring Covered_in_sponges


Act 1-

Some of you may know that, back in the day, I was actually a member of the X-Men, and we fought Aliens and Predators. And sure, you hear the stories, but the full tale has thus far never been fully told.

I would like to fix that.

It was a brisk day in late August; there was a slight chill in the breeze which rustled though the foliage around campus. The trees were still full and green from the lush summer which was now drawing to a close. Charles Xavier wheeled through the open courtyard of the academy, admiring the beautiful weather while it lasted. As he and his thoughts meandered, both were struck by a shaft of light which glowed through the boughs of the large white oak tree which stood before him. In the fire of the midafternoon sun, the jade-green opalescence which shown through the leaves revealed tinges of darker hues; a portent of the autumnal change to come.

With this thought, Xavier sighed and turned back towards his office. A new semester was about to begin, and with it came a host of new challenges. Poor bastard had no idea.

“Good afternoon Professor,” said Jean Grey as he wheeled past the room in which she was preparing her fist weeks’ worth of lectures.

“Good afternoon, Jean” he said as he stopped in the hallway. “I trust you’re doing well?”

“Of course Professor, just putting the final touches on my presentation on mutations throughout earth’s evolutionary history. There’s a good chance I’ll be putting a few students to sleep with this one.” She quipped as she added a piece of clip art to the power point she was working on.

Xavier chuckled as he quipped back, “I’ll have to make sure not to schedule your class after lunch then.”

“By the way,” remarked Jean, “On my way back from the printer I ran into a young man who was looking for your office, said he had an appointment with you. “

“I don’t remember making an appointment for today,” said Xavier as he shrugged and wheeled off towards his office.

“Yeah… I kinda didn’t make an appointment.” I said as Xavier wheeled into the room. “I mean, I could have, that goes without saying… I just kind of wanted it to be a surprise, I guess? You want me to start over, I get an appointment, yeah, I could totally do that. But I mean that could kind of screw up the narrative flow, you know what I mean?”

Xavier stared back at me entirely unsure. “I’m sorry, can I have your name please?”

“Sponges,” I replied. “Just call me sponges.”

"Mr. Sponges then,” replied Xavier. “How is it that I can help you today?”

“Hmmm…” I replied. “I’m not sure how to put this delicately. You know, you practice it and you practice it and then when the time comes, the words just don’t come to you…”

“Oh god, I’m not your father am I?” gasped Xavier.

“What? No, hell no.” I replied quickly. “My father is in Wisconsin and works on a potato farm. You ain’t my daddy.”

“Well then who are you?” Xavier demanded. He attempted to probe me with his mind but I decided not to let him.

“You probably don’t want to do that man, just chill all right? This is why I’m trying to be delicate about the whole thing.” I said as he ramped up his psychic defenses. “Come on man, you’re going to give yourself an aneurysm, just relax.”

“Tell me who you are.” He said through gritted teeth.

“Promise you won’t freak out?” I said. “Ok, here goes. I’m kind of like… god? You know? Not the Jesus one or the Bhudda one, but like, the everything one?”

“What do you mean?” he said as he finally began to relax. Well, I made him relax. Seriously, dude’s eyeballs were popping out. Felt bad for him.

“Ok, listen,” I said. “Shit’s about to get heavy. How much do you know about quantum mechanics?”

“Well, I sent my consciousness back in time to talk to a younger version of myself for a short while, if that counts for anything. Logan went back for even longer.”

“Oh yeah, I saw that. Everybody did. Good movie. This is going a lot deeper than that though.” Xavier gave me a strange look as I leaned back in the chair and began my explanation.

“Ok, so… there are an infinite number of parallel universes out there. I don’t mean a bunch of them; I mean an infinite number of them. You see that window there?” I said as I pointed to the window which faced the open courtyard. “There is a universe where that window is two inches wider. Not only that,” I paused for dramatic effect, “there is a universe where that window is two and a half inches wider. And another universe for every single molecule in between. And that’s only one variable on one window. Infinity is truly infinite.”

Charles Xavier gave a slow nod. “Yes I’m familiar with that theory and those are all interesting implications…”

The space where I had been became a void; a black empty nothingness in the shape of me; my voice echoed out from the walls.

“I have the ability… to traverse… the multiverse. I am here… because I have chosen to be here. You are here… because I have chosen you to be here. Earth is here… because I have chosen it to be here. Do you see… this is all of my will.”

I faded back into our shared reality as Xavier stared intently at me from across the desk. “Again, those are amazing claims, but all I have seen thus far could be accomplished through far less astounding means…”

“Take my hand,” I said to the Professor as I reached out across the desk. “Humor me.” I said as he hesitantly put his hand in mine.

At once, the office we had been seated in was gone, replaced instead with the white sand and orange hues of a tropical beach at sunset I turned to see Xavier frowning as the wheels of his chair sunk into the loose sand.

“You could take us anywhere on earth, and you choose a beach.” He remarked angrily.

“Don’t worry,” I said, “the lobster will be along shortly.” As I spoke, a fifteen foot long lobster emerged from the surf and began to scuttle towards us. Using its massive pincers as gently as possible, it lifted Xavier from his chair and placed him atop its back. He was of course, quite unnerved by the experience.

“Come, there’s something I want you to see” I stated as I began walking towards the tree line, the massive lobster scuttling behind with a visibly perplexed Charles Xavier holding on to the top of its shell.

As we approached the forest the sounds of the Baja Men’s “Who let the dogs out” drifted down towards us through the trees. As we came to the foot of the first outcropping of palms, I stopped and instructed the professor to examine the tree. I followed his gaze up the long trunk to the fronds, where his view lingered, mouth agape.

Nestled among the fronds where coconuts should have been, were a tangle of what appeared to be blue plant-like tubes; and on the sides of these tubes at regular intervals were round white protrusions which seemed to stretch the skin around them. The tube ruptures as we watched and an egg the size of a fist fell to the beach below. We turned our attention to the little cream white spheroid as it began to rock. A small crack appeared at the top as the being inside attempted to break through.

“Sorry, I’m impatient.” I said as I picked the egg up and began removing the shell. I removed enough to reach my hand inside and pull out the newborn; it was a bundle of Mcdonalds French fries wrapped in barbed wire. “Be free, little one” I said as I placed the bundle on the ground and it began to burrow into the moist beach soil.

The wind picked up, and with it came the sound of the Baja Men. It was then that Xavier realized that the sound of the wind was the Baja Men. Thunder struck in the distance as a sudden monsoon came over the island; a dense rain of miniature ponies fell from the sky.

“I think I want to go home now.” As he said it, it became; the beach was once again replaced by the familiar sights and sounds of his office. We were once again sitting across the desk from each other. His face looked ashen. “I think I need some tea.” He said finally.

“I think you need something stronger than tea.” I said as I reached into my pocket and pulled out some illegal substances. I handed it to him across the table and he took a long drag. And then another two or three for good measure.

“What now?” he said.

“Well a little bit more mind blowing before we get to the real meat of the issue…” I began to say. He chortled and coughed up a bit of smoke as he cut me off:

“This… That? That wasn’t the meat of the issue? You mean there’s more?”

“Oh, there’s a lot more, hopefully. You see, I’ve got plans for this universe… Big plans.”

“Ooooh fvvvvck.” Xavier said slowly as he exhaled a large cloud of smoke. “That doesn’t sound good. Never does.”

“Yeah… shit’s about to hit the fan pretty soon here, sorry about that.” I shrugged. “If it makes you feel any better it’s going to be really exciting.”

“It kind of doesn’t.” said Xavier as he leaned back in his wheelchair. “So, a mutant uprising, another genocide attempt, robots taking over again… what’s it going to be this time?”

“Well, that would kind of ruin the surprise, I think. But shit’s going to get all kinds of fvcked up in here. We’re talking a strong R-rating; there’s gonna be death, dismemberment, probably a lot of swearing, just general all-around adults only entertainment. I mean, I’m going to be honest, I’m going to be really disappointed if someone hasn’t had sex with a dinosaur by the time we’re all said and done here.” I was grinning from ear to ear as Professor Xavier stared back at me.

“Ah who am I kidding,” I continued. “Of course someone’s having sex with a dinosaur.”

maybe if you had paid, i wouldn't have to.

Act 3- Things finally start happening.

We both stared down at the phone on the desk, which presently sat silently.

“Hang on, sometimes it takes a bit,” I said as we waited for the ring. "Nah, I’m just messing with you again.” I said and the ringing began. “Put it on speaker.”

Charles hit a button on the telephone console. “Hello?” began Charles “To whom am I speaking?”

“Yeah hey this is Deadpool; I heard someone was having sex with dinosaurs, and uh… well that’s the kind of thing you kind of have to see to believe. Like one of those Mexican donkey shows. Also, word of advice, never buy churros from an establishment that runs one of those things. I mean yeah, it’s convenient because they’re right there, but they seriously skimp on the cinnamon. Not worth the price.”

“Well Mr. Wilson I’m afraid you’ve been misinformed;” Charles began, “No one is having sex with a dinosaur-“

“Yet!” I interjected. “Hello Mr. Pool, would you like me to sign you up for the first round?”

“Tempting,” said Deadpool over the phone, “Unfortunately it looks like I’m going to be up to my nuts in a whole other form of bullshit for the foreseeable future. That’s actually kind of why I called”

“It’s starting!” I said under my breath to Charles as I sat up in my chair, “I’m so excited!”

“What is it Mr. Wilson?” asked Charles while eying me suspiciously “Have you reconsidered our offer to join?”

“Even better!” continued Wade “I’mma get straight-up paid!”

“A while back, a friend of a friend referred me to this really stand-up organization that’s launching a research expedition to Antarctica; see they’ve been looking for some hired muscle just to you know, keep the perimeter and all that, real easy work, you know? Only the thing is, they’re fvcking making it rain like P. Diddy in the Champaign room over here. I mean we’re talking a flat rate contract for the job, plus hourly, plus a sign on bonus- and here’s where you come in; a fvcking sweet referral bonus. Seriously, I just about double my earnings by signing you all up.”

“Wade, we’re not going to Antarctica,” began Charles, the frustration in his voice evident. “First off, a new semester is starting in a few days, and I’m not pulling out half my teachers for a trip around the world.”

“Oh come one,” pleaded Deadpool, “That’s what they make substitute teachers for! You’re friend Sponges there probably already has a bunch of them on the way!”

Xavier looked at me and I nodded. He sighed again.

“Listen Wade, I think there’s going to be a lot more to this than what it seems.” He cautioned.

“Oh come on Professor, it’s Antarctica. I saw it on the Discovery Channel, it’s mostly just penguins. Or wait, was that the Disney Channel?”

“Wade…” Professor X interjected.

“Ok, so when I said stand-up organization I kind of meant really shady corporate entity, and apart from the fluffy adorable penguins, there may be a few mercenaries from competing industries and stuff like that we may need to take out, but I promise that’s mostly it. Mostly. But hey, that’s even more of a reason for you to be here, right? Keep an eye on things? Come on Chuck… what do you say?” Deadpool finished his pitch and fell silent for a moment.

“Does he know what’s going on here?” Xavier asked as he turned to me and pointed down towards the phone.

“Mostly.” I replied.

Charles Xavier let out a long sigh.

“All right, we’re heading to the X-Jet now. Go ahead and send us the coordinates. Goodbye Mr. Wilson.”

Xavier hung up the phone and looked back at me.

“I think I’m going to need more illegal substances.” He said.

Well its hard to beat the original i suppose.

I think my favorite so far was the Jurassic World one.

the [as] one was probably the least good.

next season will make up for it though.

Act 5- Okay, now the intro is done.

The X-Jet began to descent over the large, vaguely militaristic science compound which lay below. The entire facility was swarming with men in uniforms running about accomplishing the multitude of tasks for maintaining such a structure in the extreme weather conditions found at their Antarctic location. We were directed to land in a large open hangar, once there we were greeted by a group of uniformed individuals who ushered us quickly into a large conference room. Deadpool was already there waiting when we arrived, paging through a Hustler magazine.

“Wow, these guys must really know how to stock a waiting room” I said to him.

“Hm? Oh no, I brought this one from home.” He replied, not really taking his eyes off the magazine. “It’s one of my personal favorite issues; I like to bring it with me whenever I’m on a long trip. The articles are just so… inspiring.”

As we all found our seats a pale, chubby gentleman in a business suit entered the room and the lights dimmed. A projector in the ceiling hummed to life and displayed the Weyland-Yutani logo on the screen which was set into the far wall. I could barely contain my excitement.

“Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you all for coming here tonight on such short notice,” the pudgy man began “My name is Thomas Barth, and on behalf of the Weyland-Yutani Corporation, I welcome you to the launch base. Now, your associate Mr. Wade Wilson has vouched for each one of you, however we do require that you sign an agreement of confidentiality before we can continue with this meeting.”

At once the tables in front of everyone lit up with images of pages upon pages of legal documentation.

“It’s all very standard, I assure you, just place your thumbprint on the table top to sign and acknowledge.” Hesitantly, everyone agreed; and with all of their digital signatures in place the projector switched to a different image.

A large satellite map of the continent appeared, covered in lines and false colors measuring everything from altitude to temperature.

“This map is a digital simulation comprised of hundreds of composite signatures from our recently launched satellite tasked with monitoring the condition of the Antarctic ice sheet.” Barth continued. “You may notice, if you examine the map, an anomaly,” He pointed to a large bright green blob in a sea of the purple of the false color map. “This area,” he began again, “was at first written off as a bug in the system; however the fact that it appeared with each subsequent pass of the satellite implies that it is in fact there. Ladies and gentlemen, I believe we may have stumbled on a geological formation that has thus far never been observed anywhere else on earth. I believe this area, roughly 500 square miles of land, is essentially a bubble buried deep beneath the ice.”

“So… you brought us here to protect… a bubble?” asked Wolverine, visibly skeptical of the whole venture.

“This bubble, sir,” began Barth “represents the possibility of a fully self-contained ecosystem which has been shut off from the world for millions of years. It represents an entirely new potential branch of the evolutionary tree. This bubble, sir, represents the greatest scientific find of the century. And as you may have noticed,” Barth gestured to the base and all its security guards “Scientific discoveries are quite competitive things these days.”

“He’s right, you know” echoed Deadpool from a chair near the back of the room. “These days you never know who’s going to shoot you in the back.” And with that, he pulled out a pistol and shot Barth between the eyes.

Act 7- I know exactly what’s going on here.

“No good! It’s a dead end!” Scott shouted over the communicator. “We’re going to have to fight our way back, and we’re sitting ducks in this open hallway. Excellent plan Wade.” As he spoke, we too reached the end of the corridor.

I gestured to Wolverine and Deadpool before replying. “Now Scott, are you certain that’s a dead end?”

“Of course it’s a dead end,” he replied over the communicator, “I was running full speed through the darkness when I crashed into it.”

“Maybe you want to look more closely at it, you know, see if there’s any kind of hinge or lever?” As I spoke I motioned for Deadpool and Wolverine to do the same. They had the hatch open almost instantly.

“Of course there’s not anything like that,” argued Cyclops. “Just a solid concrete and steel…” The transmitter went silent for a few moments. “All right, we’ve got the hatch open. It seems to be, some kind of control room of a vehicle? Like a submarine frozen in ice?”

“Yeah something like that,” I said. “Listen, just get in and sit down for now, close the hatch behind you. I’ll take it from here."

As I spoke I gestured for the members of my own team to do the same. When we were safely sealed inside, I sat down at a console and began to type. As I typed I explained the situation for everyone. “This is the Ice Bullet Mk I. It is a forerunner to a Weyland Yutani satellite and lander module that will one day pierce the icy crust of Europa.” I pressed a final button and the console began flashing a pair of countdowns. I turned back to face the team before continuing. “The remaining members of our team are currently in the Ice Bullet Mk II, an identical craft currently under remote operation. Now, when these timers hit zero, both crafts will begin firing rockets from the back and lasers from the front. It’s going to be a very exciting time. I would recommend wearing a seat belt for it.”

Everyone scrambled to fasten themselves into the mutli-buckled harnesses which held them in their seats. The last belt clicked, the timers as the timers hit zero. A siren blasted, and an automated advised that the launch process had started. The cabin shook as the rockets roared to life behind us, and in an instant gravity gave out as we were fell forward at incredible speed, the craft cutting effortlessly through the empty space where the ice had been laser melted only milliseconds before.

The automated voice was now counting down the remaining distance until we would reach the outer edge of the bubble.

In an instant we had passed the horizon, the lasers and rockets died as we fell through the open hole and begin to tumble downwards. Small explosions popped off on the hull of the craft, the emergency parachutes deploying.

“Somethings wrong!” shouted Scott over the communicators after hearing the explosions. He was clearly panicking.

“No Scott, nothing’s wrong” I replied.

“Warning, manual override in progress,” stated the automated voice of the craft’s computer.

“God damn it, who let him near the control console anyways?” I said over the communicator as I looked through the port hole to the other craft falling from the sky next to us. Scott was clearly just hitting random buttons. A bundle of parachutes detached from the craft and the whole thing went sideways. “Will you stop hitting buttons and go sit down Scott, please? We’re not out of the woods yet here.”

As I said it I knew it was too late. We began to shake as the landing boosters on both crafts began to fire. Mk II, now off balance due to the missing a parachute, veered away from our craft and began to tumble as the rockets pushed it off course. A proximity warning advised us we were nearing the end of our descent. We all braced for impact as the craft lurched to a sickeningly sudden halt.

Wolverine was the first out of the hatch behind me, followed by Deadpool, then Rogue and finally Beast. Each one stared up in turn at the bright sapphire blue crystalline skyline which stretched out in all directions; the interior edge of the bubble so large that it produced its own atmosphere, clouds formed near the edges of the ice, and condensation was constantly dripping down. The climate itself was warm, hot even; more than likely due to geothermal activity. A massive dragonfly with horns flew by and the group finally tore their attention from the solid sky to be refocused on the environment in which we now found ourselves. They were astounded to see the vista which lay before them. A great green sea of primordial jungle blanketed the floor of this massive expanse, being broken only by the occasional grassland, lake, or upthrust mountain. We had landed on a wide grassy plateau near on the side of a fairly large peak; the altitude gave us a commanding view of the river valley before us. As they stared down in awe at the landscape, a movement in the branches on the other side of the river attracted their attention.

A large creature stepped out from the tree line; its dappled grey-green leathery hide reflecting the coloration of the foliage around it. The creature was approximately 20 feet long from the tip of its broad tale to the end of its beaked snout. It walked on all fours, but upon seeing the smoke rising from our landing site, it stood on its hind legs and gave a low moaning cry.

“Welcome,” I said to the group once they were certain they believed their eyes, “To Jurassic Park.”